My Five Top Tips To Having Successful One-on-ones (As an Engineer)
As a software engineer, I’ve always valued regular one-on-one meetings with my managers. This doesn’t mean they have always been easy to handle. Some meetings were painfully awkward. Some were incredibly tense. However, most of them have been enjoyable and useful, and I now view 1:1s as an invaluable tool in developing my career and speeding up my growth as an engineer.
However, many engineers I’ve met either dread one-on-ones or regard them as a waste of their precious time. In my mind though, most engineers simply haven’t been taught how to use these meetings effectively. In this article, I’d like to help you make the most of your 1:1s with your engineering manager.
Always come prepared
The worst thing you can do before a one-on-one is not to prepare.
At each engineering job, I create a separate document to write down what I want to discuss during my upcoming 1:1, and I keep updating it in the run-up to the meeting. I keep it informal and don’t obsess about what goes in the document. Anything that I’d like to bounce off my manager deserves to be written down: hopes, questions, concerns, complaints, feedback, and half-baked ideas. On the day of the meeting, I read through my notes and prioritize the items I want to discuss. Things that are no longer relevant are left on the cutting room floor.
Remember that your manager (if they are worth their title) is also preparing for your 1:1, and the one thing they dread is you coming with nothing to talk about. Coming unprepared might lead to awkward one-on-ones, and the more awkward they get, the bigger the temptation will be to re-schedule them or stop doing them altogether.
Don’t turn your one-on-one into an extended version of a standup
It’s tempting to talk about what you are working on right now and what blockers you face in your day-to-day work. Status updates are often used to avoid talking about uncomfortable, sensitive, but also very important topics, both by you and your manager. Status updates are easy and safe.
Try to avoid doing this. There are other forums where status updates can — and should — be discussed, and precious 1:1 time is too valuable to spend on them. If you notice that your manager is consistently focusing on status updates during your one-on-ones, gently stop them and guide the discussion in the direction you want.
Own your one-on-one
Remember that 1:1 is a meeting led by you, not by your manager. It is your time and you should use it as you see fit.
Think of topics that worry or interest you most. Do you have a toxic colleague who is making work difficult for you and corrupting team culture? Are you overwhelmed with everything that’s on your plate? Do you have a personal issue that is weighing down on you and influencing your performance? Are you bored at work?
If the time that has passed since the previous 1:1 has been uneventful and there seems to be nothing pressing to talk about (this happens from time to time but much more rarely than you might think), use your 1:1 to talk about longer term career goals and aspirations and ask your manager for help to achieve your goals at work.
One-on-ones are confidential, and they are the perfect forum for discussing things you wouldn’t mention anywhere else. Talk about what’s on your mind, not about what you think your manager wants you to talk about. This is the one meeting that is about you, and not about your team or your company. Make the most of it.
Always ask for feedback
Although this meeting should be owned and led by you, your manager should also hold up their end of the bargain. One of the most useful things you can get out of your 1:1 is continuous feedback. Ask your manager for their opinion about the work you have been doing lately. What did you do especially well? What could have been done better? Was there anything they didn’t quite understand or appreciate? As always, this feedback should be specific and backed up with concrete examples.
Some managers will volunteer feedback, others will shy away from it. Try to not let them off the hook, and keep pressing on. Your manager will have to give you feedback during your next performance review, so you might just as well ask them for a teaser beforehand so that the review season doesn’t catch you off guard.
Receiving feedback from your manager will feel awkward if you are doing a great job: you will feel you are just fishing for compliments. Feedback will also feel awkward if you are struggling: you will be asking for criticism and uncomfortable truths about yourself.
But the alternative to the awkwardness is the deceptive comfort of not knowing, and not knowing is a road to disaster. In case you are doing really well but never hear about it from your manager, you might feel resentful and even start looking for another job where you will be appreciated. In case you are not performing as expected but never hear about it, you might learn about this when things get so bad that your manager can no longer ignore it and your job is already in danger. This is not a pleasant scenario either.
Be honest — and vulnerable
There is a lot of pressure to appear positive and pretend you have it all under control during these meetings with your manager: after all, your manager is the person who will make decisions about your pay raises and promotions, so you don’t want them to think you are underperforming.
However, in order to grow as a professional, you will have to learn to be vulnerable during these meetings. How much you are willing to share is a personal preference and also differs from culture to culture, but it’s crucial that you make a conscious effort of telling the truth, or at least not lying when you are asked questions about your work.
The dynamic between you and your engineering manager is complex: they are not exactly your friend, but definitely not your enemy either. Think of your manager as your ally. One of the most important parts of a manager’s job is (or at least should be) coaching you and helping you resolve issues you are not yet qualified to solve.
Let me reiterate: solving problems is what managers are trained to do. Lean into this and make use of their expertise when the problems are still small. Asking for coaching and quick fixes is much better than trying to put out fires when it is too late, and your 1:1s can be seen as a perfect forum for coaching.
These are some of the things I’ve learned about making the most of my one-on-ones during my time as a software engineer. I hope you find them useful.
More information about the author, Nadia Zhuk:
https://www.youtube.com/user/